Tuesday, January 26, 2010

discouraged.

It's hard to know what to write right now. I am in the middle of what will probably be a longish time not feeling well. With Stinky, it took me until 18 weeks to feel good again. I'm halfway there today. While I am now on the really good anti-nausea meds, they don't do much for the soreness, fatigue, or the frustration at finding myself already needing my maternity clothes (and finding that many of them don't fit, anyway).

I don't want to complain. I am happy to do this for this child, and I will probably be happy to do it for another (anyone after that, though, we're making WBH's Christmas food baby a real one, though). I'm not unhappy that any of this is happening, but I am discouraged at what it does to my mothering.

We watch too much TV. I cook convenience foods with crappy nutritional value. My patience is shot, and I raise my voice, which I rarely did before I was pregnant. And cleaning? I busted my butt for two hours today, only to feel terrible later, and not really seeing much for the work I did. I struggle to think of the good things I did right at the end of the day, because the things I know I'm doing wrong feel like they're tipping the scales in a big way. So, I repeat the things I can be proud of like a mantra.

I am not a bad mom, I fed him, bathed him, and brushed his teeth. We left the house to ride his trike and chase squirrels at the park. I made dinner AND banana bread. I kissed every owie, real or imagined, and I didn't yell more than.... 3 times, and I only cried once. Today, that has to be enough.

6 comments:

earwaxtasteslikecrayons said...

I think Heavenly Father blesses children with resilience. Stinky won't remember . . . even my kids, as close to three as they are, don't have memories back that far. Mom remembers, though, which does make it hard. You're doing a good thing by remembering the good moments of a day. I'm needing to do a little bit of that myself lately.

You ARE a good mom. It's a hard job, a never-ending one . . . but the rewards are greater than anything. You can do it!

Melissa said...

Oh Rachel, hang in there! I feel like I am coming out of that fog although evenings are still bad and cooking is still hard. Pretty much since the beginning of December either Mike cooks or we have a meal like pancakes, toast, or cereal or whatever doesn't make me feel like puking. I have also had less patience and find myself literally collapsing on the couch after the kids are in bed and not moving until it's time for me to drag myself to bed. These last couple of weeks I have started to feel better during the days which has helped tremendously, but that prepetual yucky feeling is very fresh in my memory. I have also thought to myself many times that I am not being the mother I want to be. But you (and me) are doing so many good things, the kids won't remember and you are giving Stinky one of the greatest gifts ever, a sibling. Sometimes, when I'm having a really bad day, I will remember what my body is really doing. "Maybe I didn't cook a dinner, but I helped grow a child's lungs."
It will get better! You are doing great.

Cindy Brinkerhoff said...

Dig out that cape Super Mom you deserve it!

When I was pregnant with kaylee, Ellysa was just three and "we" would watch Pocahontas everyday, well she would watch- I would sleep. Sometimes I would wake up in time for dinner.... this too shall pass and the BIG kids turn out ok, feel loved and are safe. That is what matters. Cut yourself some slack friend,you are growing a whole new life in YOUR body!! Thats exhausting work for anybody.

Love ya!

balloongal said...

I was less patient when I was pregnant with Jr. than I was when I was pregnant with Nichole. There are definitely different things going on this time, but you are a great mom. Good job reminding yourself of the good things. I'm impressed with all the things you are doing.

M said...

Dude.

You're a good mom. All kids should be so loved as Stinky and so wanted as the current resident in your womb. We all hit survival mode when we feel like crap. And it will end, you will feel better and everything will be ok.

I wish I was there. I'd bring you dinner and a movie and take Stinky to come and play with the boy.

Hilary said...

Congratulations, Rachel!

I remember with Brynne (my 2nd) that I was in maternity clothes by 8 weeks, and I ended up having to wear Aly's maternity clothes from when she had twins! I felt sick and huge the whole time and really didn't enjoy it much (other than that I was really excited to have another baby!).

When Brynne was born, I would wake up to get Morgan breakfast; and then Morgan and I would lay next to each other on the couch to watch a movie while I took a nap to try and catch up on sleep until Brynne woke up.

There are definite sacrifices to be made, but oh how we love our little ones! Hang in there!