I had errands to run after church with the family being sick, and it let me have some alone time while still enjoying the leftover feelings of a really good meeting. I drove through one of my favorite stretches of freeway, a stretch that comes alive with color when the leaves turn. I got excited, thinking how much I will love driving through there when they change. This is where my epiphany hit.
As what would have been my due date approaches next month, I've been struggling with my feelings about the miscarriage. I've run the gamut of emotions where somedays I've felt almost overwhelmed with sadness for what we would have been preparing for, other times, it's been anger that this has happened, and other days I've had deep envy for those who are expecting. I've become more and more frustrated at how unfair infertility is. It's been more difficult since WBH and I decided that this fall is not the right time to try again, as we'd been discussing.
Back to the drive, though: Going through the canyon road, I thought about how silly it would be to be angry at the leaves for not changing sooner, or wishing that winter would hurry up and get here, while it's still warm and sunny and beautiful. I know those seasons will come, and that I will love it when they do. Then I realized how that related to my emotional state. This is just the season I am in now. I can't be angry at winter for not being here sooner; it has to come in it's own time. Our having another child will come; now is not the season for that.
Looking back, what's going on right now is much like when I was on some rough meds to treat my endometriosis, before we could try to conceive. It was a season we had to endure (and I really mean endure- that stuff was awful), until it was time for the season to change. This phase of life is so much more joyful than that one was. Yes, it means some waiting, and some sadness. The joy I have with my family now, is so much greater than my impatience and sadness are. Soon enough, our season will change, and I believe that more children will join our family. The difference is, I see that it doesn't do any good to pout and sulk that the time doesn't come any faster when so many good things are happening now.
Today I came across these scriptures on a box at Target, and it solidified my feelings from this weekend:
Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
I'm finding that when something doesn't sit right with me, or I struggle with something, the best thing I can do is to live with it for a while , and almost as soon as I stop fighting it, Heavenly Father shows me the answers in a way I'll understand. I don't know why I had to go through the miscarriage. I know from our fertility problems before Stinky that the timing of our children is important- that was the answer to many of our prayers. I don't have the answers to all of my questions- but I do have peace about them now.
Ecclesiastes 3: 11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time...