Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A Letter to my Sons
Boys, there is something I want to make sure you know beyond doubt, and that's how much I love you. I love you more than I love Mountain Dew and Diet Dr. Pepper. I love you more than I love sleep. I love you more than I love those frozen chunks of Strawberry in Dreyer's Ice Cream. You will soon know that I love those three things almost more than life itself. I hope that if you know I love you even more than those three things put together, then maybe you'll have an inkling of how much I love you.
You were prayed for in a way that sometimes makes me wonder if God sent us spirited children because we annoyed him. We went through hard and sometimes scary pregnancies and c-sections to get you here, and those round the top things I've ever done with my life, joining marrying your dad. I am so grateful to be the mother, the person you've made me.
Someday you'll understand the beautiful gift wrapped up in guilt that is parenthood. See, I'm still waiting for my magical cloak of knowledge to fall on my shoulders, but until then... guys, I'm winging it. Unfortunately, sometimes in all this trial and error, I really blow it. I lose my cool or interfere when I should step back. I sleep too late, then let you watch too much TV or forget that your diaper needs changing until you've blown out the sides. I forget that it's lunchtime until halfway through church and you're acting up and I don't know why.
For all my flaws, my screw ups, the ways that I can really drop the ball, I hope I get more things right than wrong. I see glimmers of hope for that in Stinky's creativity and affection for his little brother. I see it in the way Rotten screams/cries/laughs with relief when he sees me after being watched by someone else, or collapses into sleep in my arms the minute someone hands him back when he's screaming. I hope that I have something to do with those things. Then again, maybe I just got lucky.
Maybe someday you two will commiserate that it's a miracle you made it out alive, but I'm crossing my fingers that stays my little secret.